First you start off small, then up the dosage, move to something stronger and then get to the maximum amount where it doesn’t give you pleasure anymore, but it is absolutely necessary in your life – addiction by the book. And the worst is that you can’t even go completely without it. Unless you decide to take on some radical choices… You can’t actually go without internet, without social media, without phones or without a computer. Thus I am here now:
1. Today is a Saturday. My last week was very unusual compared to the last two and a half years and the beginning of a brand new everyday routine. I feel drained – mainly physically but that also deprives my mental condition as well. What am I doing today on one of the two days in the week that I can focus on Vivid Kitchen, Vivid Key, Nic or myself? I slept in till lunch after which I spent the whole day on the sofa – not going outside, although clean air does me good; not separating from the remote, although staring at the screen gives me a headache; not leaving the duvet, although it is crazy hot outside.
2. A few month ago we started watching Supernatural. As good as it is, however, we had 13 seasons to catch up with. After weeks of 2-3 episodes a day, without a break, it got too much. So we decided to take a month off and free ourselves up. In that month we watched the latest season of Luke Cage, Krypton and Orange is the New Black plus a few films and the regular episodes on TV that we’ve seen hundreds of times.
3. I don’t even want to talk about everything else that I’ve watched by myself or with Nic, not only in my lonely days in the last year but also the last few years – 5 with Nic and another 4-5, going back to year 9.
4. On the 22nd April Nic and I decided to do Earth Hour and switch off all electronics at home. Not only did we get bored out of our minds in the first 45 minutes, but the next 45 were full of shouting, pouting, tears and many other negative emotions, because of our inability to be together, without also being distracted in the background.
It is hard for me to share these facts of my life, because it shows my obvious shortcomings in character and life-style. I don’t know when I became a slave of TV and the moving human on screen, but things aren’t good, even if I feel satisfied for the time being. I am fully aware that I spend valuable moments of my life staring at a screen and for what? Not only do I feel enslaved but also increasingly hard to find something interesting enough and even then I spend the entire time also mindlessly staring at Instagram. I can’t eat without watching something. I can’t separate myself from the phone in my hands. I can’t spend time with the person I consider the love of my life without being distracted by at least one screen.
It’s perhaps important to say, that those feelings regard only the moments when we’re home; when the work day is over and we are having dinner and chilling on the sofa afterwards. Probably that is exactly why I am so happy and feel closer to Nic when we are outside, because when in nature I forget about the existence of my phone. But why does it have to be like that? Why I am so addicted in those situations? Why do I try to be constantly entertained? Why do I need to be distracted? What do I need to be distracted from?
About two year ago I deleted Facebook and Messenger off my phone and it was probably the best decision I have ever made. To post something I need to get home, transfer the pictures on my computer and then share. Turns out that this is a lot of effort for information that is either not useful to anybody or is so insignificant that even I forget I wanted to share it.
This of course made me spend even more time on Instagram but the initial difference between the two social medias plays a role, but that is for a different blog post. However, if I have found a way once, I am sure that with effort and perseverance I can deal with this problem as well. One of the problems is that Nic doesn’t really want to change his day-today (which is awfully similar to mine), which complicated my situation, but there is always a solution.
Today (the day I am posting this blog) I am flying to Bulgaria to spend 3 weeks with my family and friends, one of which in the wilderness of the Pirin mountains – on hills and in huts. This is one of the favourite moments of my year and I have no intentions of missing even a second of it. Instagram’s app will be deleted as soon as I share this blog and do not expect me in the next two weeks I will be sociable, inspired and recharged.
In those two weeks I will try and find the answer to the questions I’ve been asking myself and more importantly – the solutions to them. Something has to change because I don’t want to continue being the current Vassya. I want to have the time and willingness to teach Nic Bulgarian, to learn photography online, to create the Vivid Key posts and join a choir to sing in. I am not saying right now I am not productive, because the truth is I do a lot during the day, but the feeling is that everything is essentially focused on the screens of the TV, the phone or the laptop.
If you have any ideas send them my way! I am open for any suggestions, as it is clear that it is a critical situation.
If you need to reach me, you will probably be hiking with me and if not – I am sure you will find a way.